These words written by my hand, transformed into neon are paired with a set of barrierless self portraits captured in 2014 of a particularly difficult and suffocating time of introversion. How does the harm done to us circumvent within us and create an insulated barrier between us and everything else? These words – fearful / avoidant – they evoke a cold sweat or a clenching of my body either involuntarily or because of its awareness of it. These words sit heavy, being repeated from myself to myself feels like a chanting. Repeated enough generates knowing and knowing can enact change, the opposite of avoiding.

 

These neon words written by the self depicted in the portraits invite you to look into their home lived in simultaneous comfort/discomfort of living in fear and avoidance. The red and blue glow of the words emphasis the warning associated with America and it’s history of incarceration and emergency. As an immigrant to this country, I am often reminded of my perpetual foreigner status, and with this project, I remind others that othering environments have an impact that can compound into significant physiological dysfunction. Fearful avoidant is also a disorganized attachment style that is characterized by wanting closeness but simultaneously pushing it away. The self in the portraits exist in states of contradiction – inviting and in shame. How much of emotional states are personal and how much are political?